The Lies We Tell and the Secrets We Keep, with Hidden Brain
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In this episode of All of It, host Alison Stewart welcomes Shankar Vedantam, host of Hidden Brain, to discuss the psychology of lies, secrets, and honesty. The conversation explores why people keep secrets—even from those closest to them—highlighting research showing that 80% of people lie to their doctors, often out of fear of judgment. Vedantam explains that while honesty is valued, it's not always the most compassionate choice, citing the example of an elderly parent with dementia who benefits from gentle deception. The episode delves into the emotional drivers behind secrecy, particularly shame, and examines the surprising benefits of oversharing, including increased authenticity and likability. Listeners share personal stories of lies and secrets, revealing how self-deception and fear of judgment can be more damaging than the truth. The discussion also touches on how social media amplifies secrecy by creating illusions of perfection, and how AI chatbots may offer safer spaces for honesty due to the absence of judgment. Ultimately, the episode argues that truth-telling should be guided by intention—aimed at growth and connection, not just moral correctness.
Secrets are often kept out of fear of judgment, not malice, and shame is a primary driver of self-concealment.
Oversharing and admitting flaws can increase authenticity and likability, a phenomenon known as the 'pratfall effect'.
Honesty is not always the most compassionate choice—especially when the truth causes unnecessary pain, as in cases of dementia.
People often lie to doctors, partners, and even themselves to avoid shame or social disapproval.
Social media fosters secrecy by promoting the illusion of perfect lives, making people feel more isolated in their struggles.
…and 3 more takeaways available in PodZeus
Introducing Hidden Brain and the Power of Self-Reflection
“The goal with Hidden Brain is to become tourists in our own lives, to become tourists in our own mind, to see our minds with the kind of freshness that we bring when we're traveling abroad and visiting a city for the very first time.”
The Psychology of Secrecy: Why We Lie Even When It Hurts
“We care so deeply about the opinions of other people that sometimes we lie about it. And in some ways, I think doctors know this at this point. I think many doctors assume that when someone says they smoke a cigarette now and then that they're probably smoking a pack a day.”
When Honesty Isn't Kind: The Ethics of Lying to the Elderly
“Coming clean and telling them the truth day after day after day, subjecting them to pain and suffering, that is not an act of compassion. And in some ways it gets at the important idea that while honesty is a virtue, it is not the only virtue.”
The Paradox of Honesty: Why We Prefer the 'Always Honest' Person
Despite knowing that people lie sometimes, research shows people prefer those who claim to always tell the truth. This hypocrisy reveals our deep-seated fear of moral compromise and the social cost of admitting one might lie.
Social Media, Shame, and the Illusion of Perfection
The episode examines how social media fuels secrecy by creating the illusion that everyone else is happy and successful. This leads people to hide their struggles, reinforcing isolation and shame.
“Coming clean and telling them the truth day after day after day, subjecting them to pain and suffering, that is not an act of compassion. And in some ways it gets at the important idea that while honesty is a virtue, it is not the only virtue.”
“It was hard. And I know it was hurtful, but it was also hard and hurtful to go on, you know, telling somebody that you love them because you think that that's what they want to hear.”
“The goal with Hidden Brain is to become tourists in our own lives, to become tourists in our own mind, to see our minds with the kind of freshness that we bring when we're traveling abroad and visiting a city for the very first time.”
Host
Guest
Hidden Brain
media
Shankar Vedantam
person
Alison Stewart
person
Social Media
other
Leslie John
person
Emma Levine
person
Dementia
other
George Washington
person
AI Chatbots
other
Princeton University
organization
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