How to Stop Assuming the Worst About Your Spouse: Positive Sentiment Override

The host, Krista Harden, introduces 'positive sentiment override' (PSO)—a concept from John Gottman's research showing that the happiest couples don't avoid conflict but actively reframe negative moments with positivity. She explains that PSO isn't about ignoring problems, but about choosing to interpret your spouse's behavior through a lens of care rather than contempt, especially when mental load is high. Drawing on Enneagram types, she shows how each personality type tends to default to negative sentiment override—fives over-plan, sevens escape, fours idealize, threes perform—making PSO harder. The key insight? You can't practice PSO when you're emotionally depleted. The solution is self-awareness: name your mental load, set boundaries, and protect your capacity. The episode ends with a call to action for her new course, *Awakening Intimacy*, designed to help couples build emotional resilience and intimacy through intentional, small-group work. Harden emphasizes that true intimacy requires showing up with something to give—not just demanding it. She reframes emotional unavailability not as betrayal, but as a sign of exhaustion. By bearing witness to your own state and communicating it honestly—'I'm spent, but I still love you'—you create space for connection without resentment. The most powerful takeaway is that love isn't just a feeling; it's a practice of intentional re-framing, especially when you're tired, stressed, or triggered.