After Action Report #25

In this episode of After Action Report, Dan Savage interviews Michael, a cis bisexual man in his late 40s who recently came out sexually to himself after years of attraction to men without acting on it. Inspired by a heartbreak in a heterosexual relationship, Michael began exploring his bisexuality and shared his experience of participating in a large public Zoom masturbation session with another man, Gary. The event involved mutual masturbation, group oral sex performed on camera, and private video rooms where participants could connect with others. While Michael found the experience empowering and pleasurable—especially the sense of being seen and the intimacy of shared pleasure—he encountered disturbing elements: approximately 20% of participants appeared to be using methamphetamine, and 1-2% were dressed in Nazi regalia or displayed swastikas. Michael and Gary repeatedly exited rooms with such individuals, finding the latter deeply distressing. Dan Savage reflects on the cultural shift allowing for 'silos'—separating public, professional identities from private sexual expression—as a protective mechanism in today’s digital age, contrasting it with past societal norms. He praises Michael’s openness and the possibility of being bi and monogamous with women without shame, emphasizing that such authenticity is both possible and healthy. Despite the unsettling aspects, Michael reaffirms that the overall experience was positive and that he’s willing to repeat it with Gary. Key takeaways include: 1) Sexual exploration later in life is valid and can be deeply fulfilling; 2) The concept of 'sexual silos'—keeping private sexual expression separate from public identity—can provide safety and freedom; 3) Being open about bisexuality in monogamous relationships is possible and can be supported by partners; 4) Online sexual communities can be empowering but require vigilance against harmful behaviors like drug use and extremism; 5) Consent and comfort are paramount—participants should feel safe to leave any room at any time. The episode ends on a hopeful note, advocating for curated, safer online sexual spaces free from drugs and hate.