This Messy, Gorgeous Love—a Conversation with Tara and Devon and Nico Hase

In this deeply intimate conversation, Tara Brach welcomes her longtime friends and fellow Dharma teachers Devin and Nico Haja to discuss their new book, *This Messy Gorgeous Love: A Buddhist Guide to Lasting Partnership*. Drawing from decades of personal and spiritual practice, the couple shares their journey of embracing relationship as a central path to awakening, not a distraction from it. They explore how conflict, nervous system responses, and differing conflict styles—dodgers, diplomats, and volcanoes—are not flaws but invitations to deepen self-awareness and mutual compassion. Through practices like RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) and partner check-ins, they demonstrate how to navigate ruptures with curiosity rather than fear. The conversation delves into taboo topics like sexuality, impermanence, and technology’s grip on attention, all framed through the lens of bodhicitta—the intention to serve awakening in the world. Ultimately, they affirm that messiness, vulnerability, and even rupture are not signs of failure but the very soil in which love and wisdom grow. Key takeaways include: 1) Relationship is not a side path but a core spiritual practice; 2) Conflict styles are not problems to fix but patterns to understand and honor; 3) Practices like RAIN and partner check-ins create space for deep listening and co-regulation; 4) Impermanence is not a threat but a source of beauty and urgency in love; 5) Fun, play, and joy are essential, not indulgent, aspects of a balanced life; 6) Technology requires intentional boundaries to protect presence and connection; 7) Suffering (dukkha) can be transformed into deeper trust and love when met with compassion; 8) The most profound intimacy comes from seeing each other fully—flaws, fears, and all—and choosing to stay anyway.