‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt deliver a nostalgic, hilariously sharp rewatch of 'Kindergarten Cop' (1990), celebrating Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1990 creative apex across 'Total Recall', 'Terminator 2', and this genre-blending cult classic. They explore the film’s wildly inappropriate content for a PG rating—graphic violence, child abuse themes, sexual innuendo, and absurd plot devices like a rectal thermometer and a ponytailed villain—arguing that such elements were normalized in the early '90s due to a unique cultural fusion of '80s kid shows and '90s after-school specials. The hosts dissect Arnold’s performance as a flawed yet endearing cop-turned-kindergarten teacher, marveling at his ability to carry five genres at once, from buddy cop to heartfelt family drama. They highlight iconic moments like 'It’s not a tumor' and the greasy ponytail, celebrating the film’s self-awareness-free earnestness as its greatest strength. The discussion evolves into imaginative alternate endings, casting dreams for a remake, and deep dives into fan theories, including the idea that Crisp might be a tragic hero rather than a villain. Throughout, they reflect on the lost cultural touchstones of the era—Brookstone, whole milk in cartons, and the 'last name only' star power—while praising the film’s enduring charm and emotional undercurrents. The episode culminates in a heartfelt appreciation for the film’s unapologetic, nostalgic authenticity. The hosts emphasize how Arnold’s deadpan delivery and genuine performance—exemplified by his simple 'Austria' line—make the absurdity work, and they laud Richard Tyson’s memorable, greasy ponytail as a symbol of the film’s iconic aesthetic. They contrast the 90s’ oblivious sincerity with today’s cynical cinema, arguing that no modern actor could replicate the film’s tone. As the episode wraps, they tease future deep dives into Van Damme, Seagal, mid-90s Nick Cage, and a 'Netflix is a joke month' theme, with a special live episode on Ghostbusters on the horizon. The conversation remains lighthearted, affectionate, and deeply reverent for a film that defies logic but wins hearts through sheer, unfiltered charm.