Insult Dogs and Emotional Support Alligators

Smartphones may be the real reason the birth rate has plummeted, according to new research that links the 2007 iPhone launch to a sharp drop in births. The study found that areas with early AT&T coverage saw birth rates fall faster, suggesting that the device’s addictive nature—especially its endless streams of content like miniature pony piano videos—has replaced intimate moments. Meanwhile, America’s snack innovation crisis has reached a boiling point: the latest Powerhouse Snack Award went to a repackaged Chex Mix, sparking outrage that we’ve lost the ability to create anything truly new. In a twist, the solution to both problems might be as simple as a well-timed text from Steven Spielberg—accidentally sent to actor Josh O’Connor, it unlocked a scene with the words, 'The door's on the latch. Just push.' The episode also reveals that emotional support alligators are real, with one named Wally being returned to a swamp after a kidnapping scare. And in a final irony, the cure for declining fertility might be as absurd as a fire tornado—literally, a controlled inferno spun into a vortex to clean oil spills. The show ends with a lighthearted prediction: if the Knicks win the NBA Finals, babies might follow in nine months.